Episode Transcript
<p><!--block-->Alara Sage (00:01.078)<br>Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Ecstatic Woman podcast, where we activate and inspire women in their power, in their authenticity, in their bliss. I'm your host, Alara Sage. I'm the founder and creator of Unity Academy, an academy for seekers to remember and reawaken to their divinity within. And I help.<br><br>women and I'm opening my services back up to men to really reconnect to deeper levels of their power, of their pleasure and of their magic. So today I want to talk about relationships because this is a biggie in humanity, is it not? And you know, relationships can be any type. It could be.<br><br>sibling relationships, family relationships, friends, intimate, romantic relationships, et cetera.<br><br>Today I want to talk about just in general relationships and the energy of blame.<br><br>Alara Sage (01:17.558)<br>Because this is something that we all do, myself included. And it is very disempowering and really robs us of the golden nugget of wisdom, I like to say.<br><br>that were truly attempting.<br><br>to receive, to extract from the experience.<br><br>Alara Sage (01:51.822)<br>I believe that our relationships are some of our most profound teachers.<br><br>Alara Sage (02:02.006)<br>particularly the relationships that are of our inner circle that are very intimate.<br><br>because they ultimately reflect aspects of ourself back to us. Things that we really need to see about ourselves.<br><br>However, all relationships can be very beneficial and all relationships can grant us.<br><br>deeper levels of understanding of ourselves, and very, very powerful reflections.<br><br>Alara Sage (02:40.91)<br>The other day, I was with my boys, and they are 8 and 10. And they've gotten into this cycle, this cycle of their life, their cycle of their siblinghood, where they're really in that blaming game.<br><br>which I literally call the blame game. And I'm teaching them that it's not beneficial. I'm teaching them how to work through the blame game.<br><br>Alara Sage (03:16.831)<br>And the first reaction is to say, you did this. You're wrong. You're whatever. And it's always the finger pointing, right?<br><br>Alara Sage (03:29.45)<br>And of course, I've watched myself go through this as well. I've watched myself blame my partners, blame my friends, blame clients, blame anybody. We all have this tendency to blame.<br><br>But it was really interesting watching my boys the other day because I sat them down and I'm teaching them how to communicate because most of the issues that show up for them are not clear communication or misunderstanding. Like isn't that interesting, right? I think you can probably resonate with that and you can probably.<br><br>see how that's shown up in your life as well. Humans really just aren't the best communicators. So I'm teaching them how to communicate and how to resolve issues, right? Instead of just blaming the other person, how to really sit down, talk it out, and come to a resolution.<br><br>It's not easy, right? I mean, it's not easy for adults, let alone for an eight and 10-year-old, but they're doing phenomenally.<br><br>Alara Sage (04:44.778)<br>And so we'd been practicing this for several days. And then one morning we were in the kitchen and they started in on the blame game. And for whatever reason, in that particular moment, I was privy to just the amount of energy that the situation was draining from everybody. It was draining from each of them. It was draining from me. It was draining from.<br><br>Danny, my partner, like literally everybody.<br><br>Because it's a state of disempowerment. And disempowerment will drain your energy. It will drain your energy.<br><br>Alara Sage (05:31.21)<br>Now, not to go off on a tangent here, but it's intriguing because, well, humans love the blame game. And oftentimes in the spiritual community, you'll hear about like people that drain your energy and energy vampires. And that's real. I mean, there are truly energy vampires and you still have the power to not let them drain you.<br><br>You always have the power. You are divine source, you are divinity.<br><br>But most of the time, we're unconscious. We're unaware of these circumstances. And so we are drained by energy vampires or other people. My point, however, is just how intriguing it is that the actual act of blaming is draining.<br><br>Well, that's a great quote. The actual act of blaming is self-draining.<br><br>Alara Sage (06:41.526)<br>Because if we're blaming other people, are they actually draining our energy? Or are we draining it through blaming them?<br><br>Now that's a fun little mental puzzle to go down.<br><br>But let me share or let me help you with the mental struggle there and perhaps.<br><br>Alara Sage (07:13.558)<br>save you from that process. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Ha ha.<br><br>Alara Sage (07:22.422)<br>Blaming is very disempowering, is my point. And it literally drains your energy. So why is that?<br><br>Particularly, why is that if the person actually did something to you? Because taking it back to my boys, right? They often, you know, smack each other, push each other, do these little things that aren't super hurtful, physically, but they can hurt a little bit. And so there's a direct, like, I actually physically pushed you. Right. Whereas perhaps in more adult situations, like work environments, you know, adults aren't generally going around pushing each other.<br><br>So it could be a little bit more vague whether somebody did something intentionally against you or not, right? Like if somebody just walks up and pushes you, that's pretty self-explanatory. But did that person say that in a way that was supposed to be condescending or is that just how they talk? Did they say that in a way that was meant to like trigger me or were they unaware? Right. It becomes more vague.<br><br>But even in a circumstance that is really obvious, that this person did something to you, blaming that person in this energy of blame, the vibration of blame, is still draining. Now, let's be really, really clear. No way, shape, or form am I saying that we should ever let somebody push us, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually abuse us. That's just a hard no.<br><br>And that hard no comes from the boundaries of self-love. We say no to being abused because we love ourselves too much. So nowhere in this conversation am I saying that you should allow people to mistreat you in any level, in any context ever. I never am implying that. You always are responsible to have your own boundaries of self-love and self-integrity to stand in your power.<br><br>Alara Sage (09:31.782)<br>where if somebody is mistreating you, you remove yourself or you remove them from your space, period. Right? So we're not talking about that. What we're talking about is the energy of blame and its disempowerment. So even when it's directly obvious that somebody has, you know, pushed you or mistreated you, when we blame, it is still a disempowering energy.<br><br>So there's a difference between discernment and understanding that, Oh, that person pushed me and that person pushed me. That person is bad or wrong. It's their fault.<br><br>Alara Sage (10:22.806)<br>And it might be easier to understand this if I take it out of a direct correlation to being physically pushed and more into the vague structures of adult relationships because the reason is that we are very, very powerful projectors, humans.<br><br>are such powerful projectors. And what I mean by that is that in, we're constantly projecting into the moment what we believe to be true.<br><br>Now we project into the moment what we believe to be true when we're by ourselves. And we project into the moment what we believe to be true when we're with other people. And when we're with other people, we're simultaneously projecting onto them who we think they are, who we perceive them as. Now this can be through, you know,<br><br>quote-unquote your lifetime experience with this person or it could be that you just met this person a couple of minutes ago You've already started to create Belief structures in your head about who this person is because it starts to happen instantly That's not right or wrong good or bad. It's natural human behavior<br><br>Alara Sage (11:43.222)<br>But our projections are very powerful. So oftentimes, we will project onto somebody something, and then we will blame them for that projection, or we will blame them because they receive the projection. And what I mean by receiving a projection is when somebody says, you're not enough, and you receive that, take on that identity, and then reflect back, I'm not.<br><br>enough you took on their projection. Whereas, you know, deflecting somebody's projection would be where somebody says, you're not enough. And you say, that's your perspective of me. I know that I am enough. Right. And that is standing in your power.<br><br>So when we blame people, we are oftentimes creating this cycle of projection onto them, of who we think they are, and really even what we think occurred in a moment, a circumstance, and disempowering ourselves through that blame. It's all your fault. You did this.<br><br>to me.<br><br>Alara Sage (13:10.61)<br>If we're willing to pause in that moment instead.<br><br>And see the two sides. This is a powerful exercise. The exercise of the divine trinity is an understanding that there is a positive, a negative, and a neutral to every single circumstance. So let's break this down. Let's say somebody does something to you. Your perspective is either the positive or the negative.<br><br>and their perspective would be the opposing polarity of that. And then there's another perspective, God's perspective, consciousness's perspective that is neutral, that is able to see both sides clearly.<br><br>and more of the truth of what's going on.<br><br>And so if we stop ourselves for just a moment and allow ourselves to see all three perspectives, we will grant ourselves the complete picture. This isn't easy, but this is what I've been teaching my boys.<br><br>Alara Sage (14:35.234)<br>So this would be along the lines of, OK, your perspective, let's say, is that this person was speaking condescending to you. Their perspective is they felt like you weren't listening. And so they raised their voice and changed their tone in order to try to get your attention.<br><br>Now, let's just pause there for just a moment. Neither of those is right or wrong, because your perspective is always 100% right from your perspective. And the other person's perspective is always 100% right from their perspective.<br><br>Alara Sage (15:18.826)<br>And just knowing that one little phrase will change your life.<br><br>Because you're seeing your reality through all of the filters of your belief structures. And they're seeing their reality through all of the filters of their belief structures. And to try to pretend that we know somebody's entire belief structure is arrogant, we don't. We can have empathy. And we can feel into somebody's experience. And we can get a lot of information about somebody through the availability.<br><br>of our hearts. But we're never going to get the entire complete. This is who they are. This is their life. These are their karmic propensities. This is their soul contracts. This is their life's work, you know, in a blink of an eye. Not yet anyways.<br><br>Alara Sage (16:12.766)<br>And so it's about understanding that we don't know entirely where they're coming from.<br><br>But through the filters of their belief structures, what they're seeing is what they're seeing. That's truth. They are seeing what they're seeing, just as you are seeing what you are seeing.<br><br>Alara Sage (16:40.174)<br>Perhaps they had a mother who wouldn't listen to them. And they always had to raise their voice and change their tone in order for her to actually listen. And so every time they think somebody isn't listening to them, they raise their voice and change their tone in order to get that person to listen. Meanwhile, maybe you had a brother or a friend or a teacher who spoke condescending to you.<br><br>through a slightly raised and slightly changed tone. And so every time you encounter somebody who slightly raises their voice and slightly alters their tone, you believe that they're speaking condescendingly to you. Now isn't that interesting?<br><br>And so here you guys are, one's feeling unheard and one's feeling undervalued. And meanwhile, it's a complete misunderstanding.<br><br>Alara Sage (17:40.842)<br>And instead of communicating openly and authentically, humans haven't figured that out yet. And so we blame, and we shut down, and we walk away. And ugh, why does that person have to speak to me condescending? They're such a jerk. Why can't that person listen to me?<br><br>So arrogant.<br><br>Alara Sage (18:06.018)<br>blame.<br><br>And instead of gifting yourself the experience of the wisdom that was being offered to you in that moment, you have disempowered yourself and given power to the illusion.<br><br>Now, let's dive a little bit deeper in here and see if you can really understand what I'm talking about here. Let's talk about what would be potentially the golden nugget of wisdom in this moment, right? Because it could be anything, but let's say that we stop and we breathe and we see both sides. And then through seeing the polarity, the Trinity, God is revealed, okay? So as polarity meets, God is revealed.<br><br>So when you allow yourself to see duality in both sides, you create the availability for the third part of the Trinity to reveal itself to you, which is the bigger picture, which is the more neutral, or really the neutral perspective, which is where the golden nugget is. So let's say in this circumstance, you're having this conversation with this person.<br><br>You paused or maybe after the conversation, instead of blaming them, you just simply paused. Maybe they're not, you know, they walked away, not even in your space anymore. Your first instinct is go, what a jerk, right? And you go, no, stop, stop. I'm not gonna blame this person. So you see, you take a moment to be like, what did I experience? Well, I felt like they were being condescending. Okay, well, that's my feeling, that's my perspective. And then you ask yourself, what did they experience? And you can get the answer to this.<br><br>Alara Sage (19:53.962)<br>You can receive the answer to what another person experienced in an engagement with you. Ask your higher self, and your higher self will tell you. Person didn't feel heard. Ah, I think they're speaking to me condescending. They think I'm not hearing them. So intriguing, right? Then through that process of duality, the third part is revealed as.<br><br>the wisdom of the opportunity in that moment was for both of you to come together, have this experience, and one person say, oh, I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure if you're really hearing me. Are you hearing me, or is this a bad time to discuss this? Maybe we should talk about this another time. Maybe you have too much going on in your mind, and you don't have the bandwidth, right?<br><br>Or conversely, maybe the person who felt like they were being spoken down to could be like, oh, I'm sorry, is there a misunderstanding about my level of awareness to this? Because I am actually aware of this. We can always address the situation from a loving and compassionate manner. And if one of the people would have done that, would have been like, oh, wait, no, what? No, I know you're aware.<br><br>Oh, you just you raised your voice a little bit. So I wasn't sure if you thought maybe I wasn't aware of something. Oh, no, I just I really kind of felt like you weren't hearing me or listening to me. Like maybe you didn't have the space. So I just thought I'd raise my voice to make sure that you were listening. Oh, no, I was listening. Yeah, I apologize here. Let me give you my full attention and really make sure that you feel heard. Oh, absolutely. And yeah, let me change my tone and make sure that<br><br>you understand that I really value and respect you.<br><br>Alara Sage (21:52.394)<br>I'm curious what you feel like with that conversation. Are you like, yeah, right? Nobody talks like that. Nobody has conversations like that.<br><br>Alara Sage (22:07.018)<br>Maybe you're feeling that, or maybe you're like, whoa, yeah, I totally have conversations like that with my partner and my friend, right? Because we are in a space where we feel like we can be open, honest, and transparent.<br><br>Alara Sage (22:22.022)<br>open, honest, and transparent.<br><br>Alara Sage (22:26.742)<br>So when I sit my boys down and I say, OK, you tell your brother, what did you experience? How did you feel? And they'll start off like, well, he is like, no, stop right there. What did you experience? How did you feel? Well, I was getting frustrated because he took my toy. And I told him to stop and he wasn't listening. So I got even more frustrated and I hit him.<br><br>And I turned to the other son and I say, what did you experience? Well, he told me that this toy, that I could have this toy. And I asked, and so I took it. And he then said that I couldn't have it anymore and got angry at me and kicked me.<br><br>Okay, so did you tell him that you could have this toy? Well, I did yesterday, but okay. And then there's always a resolution and a communication.<br><br>and they leave feeling empowered. But they have to be willing to be open and honest. And sometimes they're caught in lies to each other. And they smile and they laugh because they're acknowledging that they're lying to each other. They're not lying to me, but they're lying to each other.<br><br>Alara Sage (23:53.886)<br>If you take a moment when you're in these kinds of experiences with other people, you'll catch yourself. You'll catch yourself being prideful. You'll catch yourself being arrogant. You'll catch yourself projecting onto others. You'll catch yourself blaming. You'll catch yourself lying potentially.<br><br>Because this is what humans do. We have this thing where we believe this is what we have to do to maintain what? Maintain order, maintain call, maintain something that is completely illusional, that doesn't serve anyone.<br><br>Alara Sage (24:36.866)<br>doesn't serve anyone.<br><br>Alara Sage (24:42.894)<br>Isn't easy to be open and honest and authentic. However, it is greatly rewarding.<br><br>Alara Sage (24:55.178)<br>It's particularly rewarding if you have no attachment to how the person receives your authenticity and vulnerability and honesty. If you believe that, oh, I'm being so honest and so vulnerable that the other person should just get it and receive me, then you may be very.<br><br>dissatisfied and disappointed and let down when the other person uses your vulnerability against you.<br><br>Alara Sage (25:31.874)<br>Does that mean you should stop being vulnerable? Some people believe, yes. I don't believe so. I believe that vulnerability is one of the most powerful superpowers you can have. Because when you're vulnerable, there is nothing anybody else has on you. That's it, it's out on the floor. They have nothing on you. You've already exposed yourself. That's very, very powerful.<br><br>Alara Sage (25:57.89)<br>We've been led to believe it's a weakness and it's not. The only weakness is our attachment to it. Because we are believing that we are not enough and unworthy and separate from God. And therefore we project that onto the person and when they don't receive our authenticity, we project onto them. It must be because I'm inadequate and unworthy and not enough.<br><br>And the cycle begins again.<br><br>It's time for humanity to get some balls.<br><br>Alara Sage (26:38.466)<br>Get some ovaries. Claim your ovaries. Start to speak up for yourself authentically and honestly. And let the chips fall where they may.<br><br>Because if you speak openly and honestly, people don't like you. Fantastic. Those people aren't for you. If you speak openly and honestly, and you have to expose yourself for doing something, you know, wrong or irresponsible, then fantastic. Now you've taken responsibility for that and now you can change it.<br><br>And if you don't take responsibility for it and you don't change it, then it truly is your fault.<br><br>Alara Sage (27:25.57)<br>We need to stop hiding behind the BS that comes out of our mouth. The BS of people pleasing. The BS of projecting onto each other. The BS of blaming each other. There's just a constant BS that comes out of people's mouths. And you may take this or leave it. I'm OK with it. I'm OK if you think, geez, Lara, it's pretty harsh.<br><br>Because I guarantee it, if you know what I'm speaking about, you know what I'm speaking about. And I guarantee if you don't understand what I'm speaking about and you become aware of it, you will be slapping your leg one day going, my golly, she was right. Not that I need to be right, because I do not. This is for you. It's very, very powerful to watch the BS come out of your own mouth and out of other people's mouth.<br><br>because you will see all the little games that are played.<br><br>Alara Sage (28:33.442)<br>all these games that are played and so much time and energy is wasted in these games. So much time and energy.<br><br>Alara Sage (28:50.69)<br>So much time and energy is wasted on what another person said to you or how they said it or what they did to you and how they did it. Who cares? You only care because you don't love yourself enough. And this is the relationship game. This is what relationships are here to show you is how much you love yourself.<br><br>And it's a brutal one. It's a hard reflection over and over and over again. Why did that person do this? And why did that person do that? And, oh, it just drives me nuts and blah, and self-hate and self-hate and self-hate and self-judgment and self-judgment and self-judgment projected on other people. That's primarily what blame is. It is your own self-hatred projected onto other people. I don't like myself.<br><br>So I'm going to blame you.<br><br>perfect example of this is you made me feel. Do you realize that nobody can make you feel anything? Nobody can make you feel anything. Your feelings are 100% your responsibility. So right there I just love that statement and by the way I catch myself saying it and I laugh every time I say it. You made me feel oh my god there it goes again. There's that thing again. There's that saying again that's so disempowering. You made me feel.<br><br>Alara Sage (30:30.064)<br>I'm a victim of my own feelings because of you. No, that's not true. Nobody can make you feel anything. The reason you're triggered, the reason you feel the things you do are because of your own belief structures in your body, in your subconscious mind, in your nervous system that get triggered.<br><br>when somebody else does something that could have been non intentional, could have been intentional, but does it matter? No, shouldn't, because it's your trigger. It's a wound that you already had that they bumped up against.<br><br>Perhaps they stuck a fork in it. I don't know. Regardless, it's your wound that you haven't mended, that you haven't attended to.<br><br>Alara Sage (31:22.838)<br>When you realize this, all of the power is in your hands. Nobody can make you feel anything. They can call you names. They can try to mistreat you. They can try to talk condescendingly to you. They cannot listen to you. Wonderful. That's their responsibility. That's their problem. It's not yours.<br><br>It can make things a little bit more challenging and frustrating when you say something to somebody and they don't listen to you. You have to say it again, but is that the end of the world?<br><br>Does it really matter? It certainly shouldn't take your joy. And if it is taking your joy, then your joy is not truly there. You are pretending to be joyful.<br><br>Alara Sage (32:18.89)<br>You are pretending you are sometimes feeling joy in certain circumstances under the perfect environment where everybody is treating you so nicely and telling you what a wonderful person you are. Then you feel joy. Yay, joy. But oh my gosh, as soon as somebody triggers you, all the joy is gone. That's not true joy. It's not embodied joy.<br><br>Alara Sage (32:45.65)<br>So the power of relationships is in the ability to see what somebody else is quote unquote making you feel. And instead of blaming them for quote unquote making you feel that way, you can turn it around on yourself and be like, well, isn't that interesting? That person said something. And my immediate belief was that they were being condescending.<br><br>Alara Sage (33:14.178)<br>So why do I believe that? Why do I believe that person was being condescending to me? And why do I believe that it matters if that person was being condescending to me? And become curious, not with judgment, not with criticism. Oh my gosh, this is my problem now. I'm horrible. None of that, just curiosity. Isn't it interesting? That person said something to me.<br><br>I was triggered. That person said something to me, and my immediate reaction is, how dare they condescend me? How dare they be condescending? That is so rude. I am offended.<br><br>Alara Sage (34:05.422)<br>Hmm, isn't that interesting?<br><br>Alara Sage (34:13.246)<br>And if you really begin to weed through the cornfield that is your brain, I don't know why I said that. You will find all the little fruits.<br><br>belief structures that create these experiences. You'll find perhaps the person previously in your life when you were a kid who used to speak condescending to you or taught you maybe that if anybody ever speaks condescending to you, you just give them a just a right up or hand to the jaw. Who knows? But if you're willing to look, you'll find it.<br><br>And then you found the wound, the wound that is capable of being poked. And it hurts. Not denying that it doesn't hurt. There is true pain there.<br><br>when somebody quote unquote makes us feel something. There's true pain there. However, again, the pain exists because we have not mended and attended to our wounds. So when we find a wound, now we have the opportunity to mend it. And then somebody can't poke it any longer.<br><br>And sometimes, actually, it's quite fun, because it can be quite funny when you encounter a circumstance where somebody used to be able to trigger you and you're just not triggered anymore, you might find yourself laughing out loud, which is not always appropriate and can be taken very wrongly. And then you'll be labeled, ironically enough.<br><br>Alara Sage (36:16.286)<br>as the person who's condescending another.<br><br>Alara Sage (36:22.804)<br>Oh, it's just so much fun being human.<br><br>So I hope this brought you some playful insights, some raw truth, and some like smack dabby dab upside the face. Right? We got to smack dabby dab upside the face because we got to be really real with ourselves, particularly in the area of others, because you know what the truth is? The truth is there are no others. There is only the one and everybody that you see is a projection.<br><br>holographic projection of your mind.<br><br>Alara Sage (37:06.306)<br>I love you all so much. Thank you for joining me today. I missed an episode. If you're watching this, I missed an episode last Thursday because I had my kids, my partner's kids, and by Saturday I realized I missed it and I just let it go. So apologies for that. My intention is every so, is definitely to be consistent, but I'm sure that'll happen from time to time. And I've already forgiven myself. So I hope you forgive me as well.<br><br>But it's okay if you don't. I love you all so very much. Thank you for being a part of the Ecstatic Woman podcast and please consider sharing this episode until next time.<br><br><br></p>
