The Liberating Art of Owning Your 'No'

Alara Sage (00:00.674) Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Ecstatic Woman podcast, where we activate and inspire women in their power, in their authenticity, and in their bliss. I'm your host, Alara Sage. My loves, understanding your nose is so powerful. Sometimes we don't always know what we want. But when we clarify what we don't want, we clarify what we want. It's so delicious. And hey, you know what? It can be really fun to say no period, right? No period, nothing else more needed. That's the end of the conversation. We're going to talk about this today because as women, we haven't always been able to do this. This hasn't come easy to all of us. How do we learn to do this more powerfully? Why is this important? This is all we're going to talk about today with our special guest, Andrea Horvath, who is she? She helps badass women like yourself. Badass women, ladies, all right? Who's resonating with that? I resonate with that. Determine and transition to their soul aligned career or business. My love, Andrea, thank you so much for being here with us today. Andrea Horvath (00:58.35) Thanks for watching. Andrea Horvath (01:13.518) So thank you so much for inviting me. I am super excited for this topic. It is so relevant right now. Alara Sage (01:20.002) So let's get into this. Owning our nose. First off, I want to ask. What was it like for you to not own your nose? What did that look like? What was that experience? Andrea Horvath (01:37.59) It almost feels like part of my, part of me is being chipped away. If I could actually explain it, I actually got to the point in my life where I didn't own my nose so much. And one day I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I don't even know who you are anymore. Alara Sage (01:58.614) Wow, can we all just pause right there and kind of like let that sink in, right? So why do you think because you weren't owning your nose that you didn't recognize yourself? Andrea Horvath (01:58.978) Yeah Andrea Horvath (02:11.414) because I just went along with everything that everybody else wanted me to do. And I became this person that everybody else wanted me to be, or I perceived that they wanted me to be. And so I became that person. I mean, I was the epitome of a people pleaser. Alara Sage (02:30.466) Hmm. And do you remember what that felt like in your body? Like, what were you experiencing in your life? You didn't recognize yourself. And what else was kind of showing up for you? Andrea Horvath (02:42.734) my life was falling apart that was happening on the external. Internally just completely disconnected almost like I wasn't even in my body. That's almost how I explain it and I realized when I look back I wasn't in my body. I was checking out continually and going to a different reality because the reality I had created didn't resonate with me. I didn't enjoy it. completely disconnected. Alara Sage (03:15.174) Yes, yes, that was my experience too. And I remember feeling like I was always second guessing myself. And I was also so worried about like what everybody else was feeling or thinking, right, of me or of the situation or of the actions or all of it. And like so focused on everybody else and what was happening and how do I keep this space and this energy feeling good? And as you said, like really out of my body, trying to make all of that happen. And it felt very like it wasn't really anxiety. but it felt very like anxious and like, ah, like you're walking on eggshells, right? You're walking on ice. What, what do I need to be now in order to make other people happy? Right? What do I need to be now? What do I need to say in order to please everybody? Andrea Horvath (04:12.094) You know, I'm so glad that you brought this up because it's been so long since I have done this. I've almost forgotten, but you're 100% right on everything you're saying there. It's this constant, almost obsession with trying to predict how everybody's going to like what I'm doing or how they're going to respond and are they going to be okay with it? What's going to happen to this relationship or this job or this situation over here? This friendship. It becomes almost obsessive really and creates that anxiety, but I had honestly forgotten what it's like to live like that. Alara Sage (04:49.926) Yes, obsession. That's the exact word. Yes. Okay, so what made you start to become aware that you were doing this? Andrea Horvath (04:51.54) Woohoo! Andrea Horvath (05:02.106) It was really a moment. It was in May 2008 when I looked in the mirror. It really was a moment in time that's etched in my brain forever where I literally looked in the mirror and it was I don't know you anymore and my world came crashing down and at that point my obsession changed from trying to please everybody else to figure out how did I get here and how do I get out of it because I knew I was the one. who had actually gotten myself into this situation. So I was the one who needed to get myself out of it. I had a very much an acute awareness of the responsibility and the part I played in it, which was super powerful. Alara Sage (05:40.118) Hmm, absolutely. Yes, responsibility. And when you say your life was falling apart, was that your business, your career? Was that your relationships? Can you speak a little bit to the external expression of how this was all panning out? Andrea Horvath (05:53.59) my marriage. That was probably the biggest one. Shortly after there I was divorced. Also I separated, distanced myself from my family. Friendships all changed. I mean you name it. My career couldn't change quite yet. At that time I had two small kids. They were two and three. So the ability to switch careers at that point was not there but I had an awareness that needed to change too. So it was a lot. Perfect storm. Alara Sage (06:21.826) Perfect indeed, perfectly delicious, right? Because sometimes we need those storms. I've gone through a similar situation and sometimes those storms are exactly what we need to really move through the energies. And I love bringing it back to your relationship and the divorce, right? Because... Andrea Horvath (06:23.038) Yeah. All right. Alara Sage (06:40.974) It does. It comes between ourself and our intimate partners. How can we really be intimate? Right? How can we really be intimate? Intimacy to me is the willingness to be seen for who we are, who we truly, truly are. And having that connection to that version of ourself within and of ourselves, and then bringing forth that to other people to be intimate. That's true intimacy, right? That connection that's just so deep. How can we do that? if we're pretending to be somebody else. Did you find that your intimacy wasn't there? Andrea Horvath (07:19.188) What intimacy. Alara Sage (07:20.862) I'm not talking sexual intimacy, but by all means, that too. Absolutely. Andrea Horvath (07:25.837) No, I meant, but I meant everything you said there. How can you truly connect with another human being? And yeah, in any way, really, if you're not actually being authentically yourself, and an integrity of being yourself, because you are, you've created a barrier between you two. 100%. Alara Sage (07:32.402) Oh, what intimacy? Yeah, like Yes. Alara Sage (07:48.182) Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. All of these things are like coming back into my memory right now as we're having this conversation. And yeah, I had that with my husband at the time. Right. And I mean, our sexual intimacy wasn't there. Just intimacy. We were really good friends and great partners. We were still an amazing team. But, you know, our level of intimacy was not there. And intimacy with my friends was not there. Intimacy with humanity. was not there, right? Because I felt so unsafe and in this people pleasing, in this people pleasing energy. Is that similar to what you experienced? Andrea Horvath (08:32.586) Oh, absolutely. And I think you said it right there unsafe. Because behind that often is a fear of rejection, right? A fear of something, abandonment, whatever it might be. And I think one of the things that went through my mind, and I was reflecting upon this, you know, before the show today is that the realization that I had is that I would rather be rather be rejected by somebody for being who I am. Alara Sage (08:36.382) Yeah. Mm. Andrea Horvath (09:00.45) than being loved and adored by someone when I'm not being authentically myself. Alara Sage (09:06.862) Again, that's like another moment of pause, right? Andrea Horvath (09:10.187) Hehe Alara Sage (09:11.862) profound, deeply, deeply profound, and not an easy transition to make. So you had this realization and it just sank in that like, wait a second, I'm done, right? I'm done being this person. I'd rather be rejected. Cause let's go back into that about the safety is such an important part of this conversation. Do you understand what is your perspective as to why people, but we're speaking to primarily women here. Don't feel safe to say. Andrea Horvath (09:18.587) No. Alara Sage (09:42.179) no period. Andrea Horvath (09:44.238) It's a great question. I think a lot of it is our conditioning and our programming. I really do. I think we're brought up when we're very little girls to say yes. And then it gets instilled. I mean, so much of how we operate and function starts and we're so little. So it starts right then and there. And we build that fear up. If I'm not fitting in, I'm gonna be rejected. The pack is gonna reject me, right? And you know, and for some of us, I mean, that was my reality. When I became the real me, people did reject me. So it wasn't even in my head. It was, it actually manifested and creative. It's so much of it is, is the conditioning. Alara Sage (10:28.79) I had the exact same experience. I was like literally rejected for who I was. And that's what became this like, OK, well, that version doesn't work. So let me just try to figure out what version's going to work. Right? Wow. So beautiful. And when I look back on that, I am so grateful for that experience because I always see it as a rubber band. When we move far away from ourself, when we let go of that rubber band, we just come back to self. But we come deeper. Andrea Horvath (10:30.7) Interesting. Andrea Horvath (10:34.914) Wow. Alara Sage (10:58.166) Because that feeling of coming back to yourself is so delicious. It's so freeing. It's home, right? It's that feeling of home. and the feeling of liberation, the feeling of like, ah, I don't want anything else other than this. And so I feel like that, you know, pull out, right? Where the, the rubber band gets pulled out and as it's getting further and further away from who we truly are, the tension is building up, right? So we let go, we like, bang right back into it and like go deeper into who we are. Is that what you've experienced? Andrea Horvath (11:36.482) How many times have I experienced that's better question? Alara Sage (11:40.429) Over and over again. Andrea Horvath (11:41.882) And you're so right, like we hold on, like I remember, like, and that's often what happens is we are holding on to whatever it is, those relationships and everything, right, because we're so scared. And then when you do that, like you said, you let go, and it's like this feeling of. Liberation, I mean the best word I can describe it is liberation and you realize holding on was incredibly much more painful, much more painful than having to go through some adjustments afterwards. Whether it is people leave you and it pales in comparison but we hold on really so tight and that's certainly what I did until life said. Girl, it's time. We're gonna make your whole world, we're gonna shake it up so much that you don't really have a choice. Of course, we always have a choice, right? I could have continued to hold on, but we do, we hold on so tight to things that we don't even want. I think that's the irony is like we hold on to things we don't at the core of us even. want if we gave ourselves permission to even ask ourselves, do we want these things anymore? Alara Sage (13:13.283) Yeah, and it's exhausting. Andrea Horvath (13:15.075) Oh, it is so exhausting. Alara Sage (13:15.786) It's literally exhausting. I mean, if you think about like, you like, imagine, I get this image of like, if we had that rubber band around our waist, right? And it was, it was anchored to ourself and we move back away from that. And the further away we get, the more we have to really tense our bodies and our entire being to like hold ourselves in this false sense of self, right? And I'm gonna hold it here. And it's really tiring to do that, which if I just let go and came back into it, I really feel like that's what you did, right? You like spring back into it. yourself. Oh wow I have so much more energy to actually create my life with. Andrea Horvath (13:50.258) Hehehe Andrea Horvath (13:53.666) Being two people is exhausting. I did it for many, many years and I won't do it again. And it's absolutely exhausting. It's a lot of work to maintain. It's a lot of work to keep up. You're so right. Yep. Alara Sage (14:04.042) Mmm. Alara Sage (14:07.766) Hmm So when we were first connecting to this topic, I could just feel your passion around it. So let's talk a little bit about why is this so important to you to help women to reclaim and own their nose? Andrea Horvath (14:26.998) I think because I know what it's like to be on the other side. And I know the amazingness, although it can feel uncomfortable at first when you let go of that band, it only gets better. Like it really, truly only gets better. I think the journey back to yourself and really connecting with yourself at a deep level is the richest and most rewarding journey. And the rest of it. is icing on the cake. And I mean, I didn't see that back then. There's no way I could see that back then. And I talked to so many women now who are holding on so tight. And I can see it, right? Because of course, I've been there. I know what it's like. There's certainly no judgment ever on my part. I know what it's like. But I also know like what it's like when you can let go. And the richness and how much more rewarding I mean, you talk about relationships. how much more rewarding relationships are. And I actually, it's so interesting because I had such a different perspective of myself in relationships before. I thought I didn't do deep, personal, intimate relationships. Well, because I didn't even know how to. Like I was just so, because I wasn't showing up as myself. And now it's like, oh, actually, I love this. I love having close friendships. I... love having people around me because I'm myself. I'm not having to act. Alara Sage (16:00.586) Oh my God, that's such a beautiful point. I want to unravel that a little bit. Because I feel like I was the same and I didn't really connect to that exact thing until you said it. Like, I don't like to be around people, right? Or I don't like to spend too much time around people. It's very exhausting. Well, it is exhausting when you're pretending to be somebody because what are you doing? Like you're constant. What do we say? You're in that tension. You're feeling into everything. How are they feeling about what I'm doing? How are they feeling about what I'm saying? Is everybody happy? You know, it's expelling a lot of energy and multiple planes. Andrea Horvath (16:18.303) Yeah. Hahahaha Alara Sage (16:37.328) of our awareness in one moment. Yeah, you're like, give me an hour and I'm done, right? Because that's just too much, right? Where it's so amazing because then when you move into the space of authenticity It's like, oh my God, bring me people because it's so nourishing to be around people that you see them and they see you and you just get to have these deep conversations and be silly and dorky and geeky or playful and erotic and goddess, whoever, whoever you want to be, right? Like, be you. Yeah. Andrea Horvath (17:03.298) Mm-hmm. Andrea Horvath (17:12.122) Yeah, exactly it. They're so different. And you're right, they're draining when you're not being yourself. So that was a huge revelation that I had. Like I, I am amazed at how much I misjudged myself. Because we don't we don't even know ourselves and we're doing that. Like I said, I didn't know myself. So it's been this really cool journey of actually figuring out who I am. What do I like? What don't I like? and owning it. It is such a powerful thing when you can just stand in your power and say, this isn't for me. No explanation. Like you said, there's no explanation. There's no justification. There's no excuse. There's no story that we need to say. And we can do it with kindness and we can do it with love and compassion and with grace. Not all the time. Sometimes it takes a bit firmer. But however, you can do it in this beautiful way that honors another person, but also honors yourself. Because that's the part when we say yes, and we don't, we mean no, what we're really doing is dishonoring ourself continually over and over again. And that's too big a sacrifice. That's a very big sacrifice when you dishonor yourself and your wishes and your wants and your desires. You do, I see this as you are literally eating away at your soul. And women's souls right now are begging for them to listen, like mine was. Mine was begging for me. It was just kept knocking at my door until I listened and went, okay, I'm going to listen to you now. Alara Sage (18:56.458) Oh, so delicious. When you said dishonor, I just got this image of taking a knife right to our own hearts, right? And just twisting. And it's interesting because when I ask people what they want, and this was also true for myself, what do you want? Oh, I don't know. You know, that typical like, answer of like, I don't know, or it doesn't matter, or I'm good with whatever. No, we're not good with whatever. We're just not, that's not the truth. We're not good with whatever. And the truth is, is we have really clear desires. However, if we've been stabbing our hearts and twisting, we've basically said to ourselves, yeah, whatever sweetie, your desires don't matter. Just, just put those in a box in the closet. put a bunch of crap on top of it. Like whatever you can do, hide it deep, because it's painful, right? It's painful to say like, oh, I want that, but I can't have it because I got to please all these other people. No, it's so much easier just to get it out of your sight, bury it, and then just be like, I don't know what I want. And so I love how we're having this conversation, because it's like just like what I said at the beginning. Andrea Horvath (19:55.538) Oh, very deep. Very deep. Alara Sage (20:18.434) When we get clear with our nose, what we actually want becomes much more apparent. Andrea Horvath (20:25.538) so true and you know it's so interesting when you talk about ignoring, ignoring yourself, right? Ignoring your wants. I know I say to women sometimes, can you imagine if your partner continually ignored your wants and needs? Could you imagine if your friend continually, day after day, you said I want this and they went no, or just you know did something else, continually did that to you day in and day out? Would you still be friends with them? Would you still be partnered with somebody who completely ignored what you wanted? Probably not. Yet we do this to ourselves day in and day out until we become aware of it and then we stop. However, isn't that the pattern that so many women are in and just completely ignoring what they want? And they don't feel valued and they don't feel honored, but the first step has to be actually valuing and honoring yourself. We can't expect anybody else to do that for us. We have to do it. That's where it starts. Alara Sage (21:32.398) So I know that you wanted to talk about the energetics of the no. So let's dive into that. Andrea Horvath (21:38.994) so juicy. So this is you know the energies and the planets changing so rapidly and right now we are in such a time honestly the messages that I keep coming in is right now we really have to align we really have to align with what we want because we can all see it there is a lot of stuff happening out there. Most people are an overwhelm most people are exhausted. What I see with women is this is the pattern that I'm seeing right now, very prevalently. And it's been building for many years, but it's reaching this tipping point where they've been doing, doing so many things. And a lot of things they don't want to be doing, right? Things that they dislike doing, they hate doing or whatever it looks like. And they're exhausted. They're getting really tired. from all this doing of things that are out of alignment on the one hand. And then the other hand, they're so exhausted from all of that. They've become really passive when it comes to what they want, their goals, their dreams. And it couldn't just be getting in shape or spending more time in nature, whatever that looks like, whatever their desires are, they're so exhausted from doing all the things they don't really wanna be doing that they're... they're lacking in the rest of their life and what's happening is it's gotten to a point where it's been building and it puts them in a loop. It's a never-ending loop because you keep doing right and you keep staying passive and you never get out of that. So what's happening though you think about it from an energetic perspective every time you say yes to something you don't want what you know, the universe, life, whatever you want to call it, right? The message that you're sending out is I want more of this. Alara Sage (23:46.902) Yes. Andrea Horvath (23:48.27) Whatever you say yes to, because the universe, well, is that life, whatever, is loving. It wants to give you what you say yes to. But what we're doing is continually saying yes to things that it wants. The universe keeps bringing things that you don't want. And then we're staying in this cycle continually over and over and over again. And so they don't have the energy to do something different or to try something different because they're so tired. But the answer isn't actually doing more. Because honestly, most women can't do more. They simply cannot do more. The answer is actually. saying no. Because as soon as you say no and you stand in your power and you say no again the message because I always think what is the message you're sending out by your actions right it's always we've got to think in that way it's not we've been so taught just to look in this physical world energetics is what probably 80 to 90 percent of what we do so when you say yes when you say no it says you're closing a door And the universe goes, oh, okay, she doesn't want that anymore. Cool, we're gonna give her something else. And then you say maybe a yes over here because you've got a little bit of bandwidth. The universe goes, oh, cool, she wants more of that. We'll give her more of that. And what happens is we start to really narrow down because right now what's happening is so many women are just saying yes to everything. And what they're doing is they're, what I call it, keeping their options open. what keeping your options open is actually doing is saying, I'll take anything. Andrea Horvath (25:42.198) And think about that. I'll take anything. I have no standards. I'll just take whatever comes my way. However, that's not really what most women want. And then they enter this phase of discontentment. They're frustrated, they're exhausted and they're worn out. Why am I not getting what I want, right? Why am I not, how come my life is not changing? Why am I not, you know, having these rich, rewarding relationships or a rich and rewarding career or whatever that looks like? Because we can't keep saying yes when we mean. Alara Sage (26:22.99) So delicious. And. It's absolutely true that the universe is responding to what action we're taking and the vibration that we're in. And there's something that happens when we say yes to something that we're not really keen on. There's two energies going on there, right? There's the verbalization of a yes and it taking a step into that direction. Meanwhile, there's a part of you that's not in. You're not in. You're saying, yes, OK. It's a partial yes. Andrea Horvath (26:53.078) Hahaha Alara Sage (26:56.272) infusing energy because there's a two energies going on there. There's a yes, and then there's actually a no that's going into the same space. So now you're kind of throwing like a yes, no into the space of the universe and the universe is like yes, no, okay, right? Like that's a direct correlation to your vibration. when you are able to say no and say it from that state of like, this doesn't serve me. And what doesn't serve us doesn't serve anybody. That's the certainty of it. What is for our higher good, what is in a state of loving of self is love for all because there is no separation. So when we say no because this is not loving to self, great. That serves everybody. Fantastic. I can let go of that. And that certainty, that conviction is a no. And that vibration is powerful. Andrea Horvath (27:25.789) Oh, yeah. Alara Sage (27:45.712) conviction you're putting out conviction into the universe and then when you do that and you're like, okay now I'm available to what I really want like you said not just like I'm available to anything I'm if I want this and this comes into your space and you say yes, and you are lit You are alive because this is what you want Right? This is what's lighting you up. And you say yes to that? Wow. Now what vibration are you putting into the universe? Right? Now what reflection? Because it's always about the reflection. Your physical reality is a reflection of your vibration. What reflection are you going to receive back? Like that excites the fuck out of me. Andrea Horvath (28:26.026) And I'm gonna be honest, it excites the fuck out of me too. Alara Sage (28:28.848) YAAA- Andrea Horvath (28:31.758) But here's another one I can I want I want to I want to just add to that because there's another scenario here you talked about mixed energy. This is something else we women can do no judgment. Is we will say no, but we won't own the reason why we say no. And so, when you talked about a mixed energy. Alara Sage (28:32.022) limit. Alara Sage (28:43.547) Oh yeah. Oh yes. Alara Sage (28:53.015) Hmm Andrea Horvath (28:58.99) there's another mixed energy. It is not that crisp, clear. I am closing that door. And again, what you said is so perfect and beautiful. What is the best and highest for you is the best and highest for humanity. But we do this little, I call it a dance, this little dance, no, I can't do that because we have this little excuse that we've got. Because we think it's the one that people will buy. I can't do that, I'm busy. Alara Sage (29:26.763) Mmm. Andrea Horvath (29:28.598) when your heart and soul is going, I don't want to do that. And you're like, I'm kind of busy. That's not empowering. That is not a clear no. And that, that middle ground no is also a point we have to get really crystal, crisp and clear on because here's the other part of that. That is a vibration of inauthenticity. You are out of integrity. It's out of integrity. Alara Sage (29:32.53) Yes. Alara Sage (29:55.631) Yeah. Andrea Horvath (29:59.498) And I know for so many women, integrity is so important. However, how often do we do that dance where we actually aren't in integrity? We think we're gonna do integrity in our work. I've talked to a lot of women who are so passionate about being, you know, having integrity in the work that they do and how they show up on their jobs. Well, how about with your own personal being and yourself? Where are you in all of this? Own it and say, this is just not. This is not a priority for me in my life right now. This is just not what I want for me right now. And be okay. And if somebody else doesn't like that, that's on them. That is so on them. It's not about you at all. But that crispness, we've got to get that crispness. I love that. Alara Sage (30:50.858) so important because that white lie thing, right? Like how many people white lie? Well, I can't because something came up. And meanwhile, nothing came up, right? That's integrity. Like to be able to just say, hey, sweetie, this isn't feeling good for me right now. I don't want to, you know, whatever. This doesn't feel good. I don't want to do this. Whatever. In that full honest truth, like you're saying, instead of creating some white lie to quote unquote, soften the blow, right? And again, you're creating. non-integral, like you're non-integral. Like I don't care. I am a big firm believer on this. A lie is a lie. And when we lie, we create distrust and untruth in our reality. Right? We don't want that. Who wants to experience distrust and betrayal and distruth? We want truth. We want transparency. This is talked about a lot in our like, we want transparency from the government. Well, how many people are actually fucking transparent? Nobody's transparent. Andrea Horvath (31:30.254) Yep. Andrea Horvath (31:51.218) You... Nope. Alara Sage (31:52.81) Everybody lies through their teeth. And then they're like, well, now the government needs to be truthful. Like, no, that's not how it works. We have to show up first in integrity. Stop lying. Stop trying to soften things. Stop trying to people please things. Just like you said, make it clear. No. And we can absolutely, like you said before, we can do it passionately. We don't have to be a jerk about it, right? Andrea Horvath (32:01.07) I'm going to go ahead and turn it off. Andrea Horvath (32:17.242) It's not about the other person being wrong or bad or wanting something. It's really not. And you know what, as you were talking a lot there, I was thinking women are really taught to do white lies. I think we're probably way worse at this than men are. I would beg because I think growing up, I mean, you even talk about the jokes they make about when a woman says, you know, is my aspect. I'm just going to use the word. Alara Sage (32:29.046) Yes. Alara Sage (32:34.282) Yes. Andrea Horvath (32:43.786) You know, you're supposed to white lie. Why? Well, maybe you shouldn't ask in the first place, but that's another conversation. Ha ha ha. Alara Sage (32:46.551) Yes! Alara Sage (32:50.102) Yeah! If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask, right? Andrea Horvath (32:53.974) But we almost expect someone to say a white lie and how, I mean, the fact that we call them white lies, is they're just lies. Alara Sage (33:04.226) They're just lie. I love that. They're just lies. Oh, I love that so much. Yes, and it's like, just like they say, they say, well, women will tell you one thing, but they actually mean something else. I always say that. Yeah, men don't know what we want because we're horrible communicators. Like women, that's our responsibility. If your man does not know what you want, that's because you are not defining it very clearly, neatly, not beating around the bush, not trying to make it soft for him. You're saying no, and you're saying yes, and you're making it very clear for him. Andrea Horvath (33:40.638) You just nailed it. Think about it. If you think about it, we've been taught that men are supposed to guess what we want. We're doing the same thing with the universe. We're going universe. I'm going to give you all these mixed signals. I'm not going to tell you what I want, but I want you to please bring me what I actually want. I don't think I've ever heard it so perfectly articulated. Honestly, that's exactly what we're doing. And then we're pissed off and we're exhausted. We're like, why am I not getting what I want? Well, this is why you're not getting what you want, girlfriend, sister. Alara Sage (34:10.415) Oh my god. I... Yes. Alara Sage (34:22.422) So good. So good. So my love, what do you recommend for women who are aware that they're doing this? What are some first steps that they can take to shifting this in themselves? Andrea Horvath (34:38.102) Well, I think the first one is start small. We don't want to go for the big things. Like if you're out of alignment in some places, don't go gangbusters. You know, you want to start small and also understand that it's might not feel comfortable. Like I think I gotta say that right at the beginning is, if you've been, you know, out of alignment, and out of integrity, in a lot of what you're doing, when you start to do that. you might feel a lot of resistance. So just to say that off the board, this isn't something that people walk into off the mark and go, yay, look at me. You know, I'm now speaking my truth. Start to listen to your body. It's one of the biggest things you can do is start to listen to your body when you are noticing that your body like listen to your how your body feels when somebody asks you something. Like, and you can even ask your own body, like how do I feel about this? Ask yourself, how do I really feel about this? And not think about it. I didn't say think, because that's where we go. As human beings, we automatically go, and we can justify anything logically in our mind. Ask your body and tune into your body, how do I feel about it? So you can start with little things, a friend asks you out. Alara Sage (35:41.927) Hahaha! Andrea Horvath (35:58.658) Say she wants to go out to dinner and your calendar is full. And you might love that friend and you might love going to dinner with her, but how do you feel in that moment when she asks you? If you're like, oh my gosh, I don't have time, you feel your chest sink in, that's probably a no. Or it's I need to look at the rest of my schedule. Maybe I need to rejig the rest of my life and say no to some other things because this friendship's important. I'm saying yes over here. But until you actually start listening to yourself and asking yourself like, how do I feel about this? That's the first step, because we're so out of touch with how we feel about so many things in our lives. And so once we've done that, then it becomes, you know, finding the clarity, what's your priority? Because that's what it comes down to is prioritizing our lives. We are no longer in a time. Go ahead, sorry. Alara Sage (36:49.518) I love how you say that. I love how you say that because it's like, well, maybe you do want to go out to dinner with your friend. You're getting a yes. Like, it feels good. And yeah, there's like, but literally, like, how is this going to work, right? So I love how you say there could be another no. Maybe you need to evaluate what else you have set for that day or around that time. Do you be like, where is the no that just needs to be eliminated for this yes? Right? I loved that so much. Andrea Horvath (37:16.714) Yeah, because we can, you know, I think one of the greatest gifts I got was being a single parent. Sounds so weird. But becoming a single parent forced me to prioritize. Like this is one of the biggest blessings I had in that experience is I had to pick my S's and my no's really carefully. And just know that if you're saying yes over here, you might have to say no over here, because there's no way in this world any of us can do everything we want to be doing. So just the biggest part of it is asking yourself, how do I feel about this? And sometimes it requires that bit of a digging deeper. Maybe it's like I said, like, okay, so I don't feel great about it. Why don't I feel great about it? And keep, and the part is to keep asking yourself questions because questions are gonna expand you. And we know that when we ask questions, I mean, life loves it when we ask those questions, because then we go into an expansive state. Rather than just going, well, I don't wanna go, or I can't go. That shuts everything down, it shuts your whole process down, and it's gonna keep you in that loop over and over and over again. Alara Sage (38:26.466) or even like for some reason this is coming through, because I know I've felt this a lot of myself, like I wanna go, why can't I go? Right, there's almost sometimes, I don't know if you've ever connected to this, like a tantrumy energy, right, around when there's something we want, but for some reason we believe we can't have it, right? So again, that would be similar to like. You want to go out with your friend and they can they can build up frustration around it, right? Because you really want to do that. But oh, how is this going to work? This is so annoying. It's so frustrating. Right. And that's where you can ask those questions to really determine what's beneath that little tantrum. I like to call it. Andrea Horvath (39:03.022) Totally and you might be saying yes to things and you may have said yes to things for 40 years on autopilot because you think you're supposed to. And you might think they are a non-negotiable when in fact they are a negotiable. Andrea Horvath (39:26.552) because Alara Sage (39:26.658) That's really powerful. Andrea Horvath (39:29.282) People think make things non-negotiables when they're negotiables. Think about, here's the classic perfect example, Christmas dinner. I have to go to my family's even though I don't wanna, do you? Alara Sage (39:38.467) Oh yes. Alara Sage (39:42.686) Yes. No, because we do it every year. That's what everybody does. Andrea Horvath (39:46.438) Well, of course. Yeah. What else? Yeah. What's what's grandma going to think? Or I don't know. That's right. Yeah. I mean, that's the classic what we would consider a non-negotiable, but it actually is very negotiable. If you're not happy doing that, why are you doing it? Alara Sage (39:52.97) Yeah. Alara Sage (40:03.798) And if it doesn't feel good, because sometimes, you know, I've been in a lot of circumstances where I don't always understand why it's a no, but it's a no. Right? And I've given myself permission to stop needing to know that it's a no. But you know, OK, I'm going to stop with the no's. Because sometimes we don't. Andrea Horvath (40:19.694) Hehehehe Alara Sage (40:24.358) have all of the information as to why it is not an alignment right now. I'll give you an example, which is a big one. My mother, I was doing some healing in my cervix and really deep ancestral healing. All this shame and parallel realities where her and I were sex slaves together. She wasn't my mom in that life. We were just women together. We weren't even related and we were in the harem. It just you know, really incredible. All these energies We're working multiple dimensions and layers of energy in my cervix. And my dad calls me and he says, oh, we have some news to give you. And I was like, OK. And he's like, your mom has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I didn't even know my mother was sick. Because it's a very advanced, rapid cancer, aggressive cancer. And I was like, oh, I'm not surprised. This is me talking to my parents. I've been doing healing there. I know exactly what she's going through. And immediately it was like, you should go visit her. And it was like, no. No. It's not time yet. No. And I could feel my dad was just getting really scared. And I mean, like really scared right away, right? And I was talking to my dad. I'm like, dad, I totally understand why you're scared. And you know, and he was trying not to put pressure on me. So he's putting pressure on my brother because he knows that I won't take it. But he's like, I'll put pressure on you. Like, you need to get out here right now to see your mom. And so I said to my dad, I totally know how you feel. and that it appears that I should be chasing out there to go see her. But there's something deeper going on here that I need to address first. And if you just trust me. And I had to go through some deeper energies first, and then I got a yes, and we flew out there. And it was all so magical what transpired with my visit there and the healing that takes place. And she's in regression. She doesn't have cancer. Like beautiful, magical stuff. But yeah, when that happens, your first Alara Sage (42:24.26) instinct is I have to go there. But when your body is saying no, it can be very conflicting. What do you mean no? Why wouldn't I? That's ridiculous. So really understanding, we have to learn to trust that wisdom, even if we don't have all the answers. Andrea Horvath (42:42.302) is such a beautiful example, Allara, because you're right. These are not just even small things. These can be really massively huge things that we don't understand why it's a Noah. It's such a perfect example. I won't go into one, but I've got one where my sister passed on and I didn't ever visit her. I wasn't speaking to her for years before and I didn't go visit her when she was sick and the judgment that came my way, but I was just very firm in my... in my decision. It didn't feel right to go and they don't always make sense and we can't wait for our logical minds to catch up sometimes. And it's this you know we've got to listen more to our higher selves and our intuition so much more than we have and that's you know really our body is telling us always what the decisions were but that is a profound example and Wow, that's quite the journey you went through with your mother and that healing. Wow. I'm just, yeah. Alara Sage (43:45.658) It really was. But I want to celebrate you as well, because that's a similar circumstance where somebody very close to you is passing away, and it's a big solid no. And just like you said, the judgment, right? Immediately, there's pressure from everybody. And I love how you said earlier about when we start to create these new patterns in our being, it's usually not comfortable, right? Because you've been doing this for however old you are, you've usually basically been doing it your entire life, of it. And so it's not comfortable. Then you add on pressure from family, or from friends, or from coworkers, or boss, or whoever. And we really can second guess ourselves, right? Do you have any recommendations? What was that experience like for you when you had that pressure? How did you stay in that conviction? Andrea Horvath (44:39.926) Well, by this, like for me by this time, I was like, I'm where I am in my life now. Let's just say I just do what I want. I'm well beyond that journey of worrying what other you know, I see it. However, I know what that is. And I this is not my first rodeo. Let's just say Alara Sage (44:53.602) Hahahaha Andrea Horvath (45:07.506) At the beginning of it, I mean, for me, mine very much was a spiritual journey. So it was continually, I mean, meditation connecting me back to me. It's not going out there. And what we've been conditioned to do so often is get everyone's opinion. And that can send you in a tizzy on the best of days. It's really something we really need to start looking inward and connecting with ourselves. So especially, I mean, when I went through my big changes, like when I talk about, you know, in May in 2008, when this all started, I did very much an internal journey for many years and just kept connecting with myself. Because every time I went out in the world, I got different messages and different, I mean, same thing, I left corporate. Alara Sage (45:25.75) Yes. Alara Sage (45:53.332) Mmm. Andrea Horvath (45:55.174) I left corporate, I left a six figure salary in corporate and so many people going, you're crazy, you're this, you're that, you're all these things. And by that moment I was quite rooted, right? But everyone has their opinion. You just got to connect back to you. And that's the energy. And that's the time we are in right now is, is we've got to stop looking to the outside world for validation. It's up to us to give our own selves the validation. That's where the gold is. That's how you will create beautiful, blissful experiences in your life. You can't be looking outward. It's just not where the answers are. Alara Sage (46:40.702) I love that advice so much. So again for the audience, if you're feeling like a decision has pressure, you're unsure, everybody's giving you the opposing opinion, right? As to what you're feeling in your body. Step back, reconnect, reconnect to that truth of self. It's so important to do that. Give yourself the time and the space to do that. Go out into nature, remove yourself, give yourself the time and space to really reconnect, because it can be really confusing. You hear all these different ideas and thoughts and opinions, and pretty soon you can start second guessing. Well, maybe I don't really feel that. So sometimes I love how you say that. Just reconnect whatever that looks like to you reconnect yourself reestablish that ask again and then just Hold that conviction in it Andrea Horvath (47:37.11) Yeah, and like I said, it might be a little bit tricky at first, and that's okay. It's actually okay. It doesn't mean you're on the wrong path. The beautiful part of this is acknowledging like those discomforts are temporary. The benefit, you know, and I'm sure you could speak to this too, like yeah, it's not fun necessary at the time, but that's temporary. The benefit long term of standing in your truth and owning who you are at your core and your yeses and your noes and all of who you are, those live long on. You know, that's a long-term benefit that only gets better with time. Right? But you don't know that at the time. Alara Sage (48:27.27) Yes, so well put my love. So how can people find you reach out to you? Andrea Horvath (48:33.944) My website is andreahorvath.com and my main platform is linked in so I'm on there as well. And those would be the two main places to connect with me. Alara Sage (48:45.09) And you have a, I forgot what it's called, but you have like a live that you do with Sonia, right? Andrea Horvath (48:52.934) Yes, I do a live. It's now every two weeks on LinkedIn called the career doctors. And this is all about so much of what we talk about here. It's not working any harder. So many women are working so hard and they're not getting what they want. They're not feeling fulfilled. They're settling. They're not getting the raises, the jobs, whatever it looks like. And so it's really about having a different level of conversation. And this is a lot about the energetics, self love, self worth, stepping into your power and all these beautiful things that are the answers. Really. It's not about working harder. It's not about adding more value. We're beyond that now. We so are. It's really about owning it. Yeah. Alara Sage (49:32.226) So are. Yes. Yes, Career Doctors. Thank you. I had that in my mind when we started, and I forgot. So if people want to watch that show and be a part of that, they just connect to you on LinkedIn, and then they'll find that. OK. Beautiful. Andrea Horvath (49:44.262) Yeah, yeah and they can always DM me there too if they want. You know I've got we've got the recordings on YouTube if they want to go listen to the old recordings but I mean always just message me as well. Alara Sage (49:57.839) Yay, my love. Thank you so much. As we both knew, this would be such a delicious conversation and such a joy to share space with you. Andrea Horvath (50:05.223) Oh, thank you so, so much. I so enjoyed it. Thank you. Alara Sage (50:09.854) And to the audience, absolutely. You know, this is so imperative for women and for humanity right now. So if this is something you struggle with, reach out to her, connect with her so that you can have these clear solid nos and have these clear solid yes and be clear, right? And get what you desire. Woo woo woo! Ha ha ha. Andrea Horvath (50:30.179) WOOOO Alara Sage (50:34.718) I love you all so very much. Thank you for being a listener. Thank you for being here with us today granting us your time and your presence. It means so very much to us until next time. Much love.

The Liberating Art of Owning Your 'No'

Show Notes

Episode Transcript

Other Episodes

Overcoming Denial and Embracing Transformation - Solopisode

Grounding Your Spirit: The Art of Embodiment

Moving Through "Not Enoughness" with Awareness - Solopisode